I called my mom for a long time and we talked about health and the body. she told me many things that i didn't know. like when she was pregnant with me they were renovating the house in la. one of the hearts fell off my watch and i crawled around on the floor forever looking for it but it must have been outside. it is playing the role of a heartbeat puppy. i cannot despair. i can and i will but i still have one. sargent may move into the apartment across the street from my apartment. two tin cans with a string and a basket on a pulley across the traffic light. i quit taking all my pills and thought i was going to die for one night and i did die. something sara said in an interview that feels like a mantra or a rock that i can hold in my pocket that is important and a flotation device (You have to die several times in New York in order to live here). trying to think about how many times i have died so far. on new year's day i ate tteokguk and wendy's chicken nuggets and an oreo cookie dough carvelanche. isabel advises to eat pork and sauerkraut on new year's day because pigs walk forward. i am a little pink pig who doesn't want to walk forward. i had a dream that i received an apology from someone who will never apologize to me. i am so sick so i cannot run which is a slippery slope. i have grip but sometimes i slip up and i lose it because i cannot run. i am so hungryand i wonder if i am allowed to watch tv. at work i am laughing without coughing so i know i am getting better. just like the monkey turned into string bean because he was made by my hands the body is turning into our bodies because it is made by our hands. me and helen same body pretty much so we feel our stomachs to understand how the stomach should look and then we turn the clay into our stomach. running up the stairs past the slowpoke and then stomach drop and then cry on the train because it's her. turner's house burned down. the only package that i ever sent that mattered was returned to sender. at dinner on monday with justin sam emma i asked sam if it was a dream or real life if she told me that i have to stop listening to lana del rey when i was crying on new years eve. she said it was real life and it's true. when i came home from work the heater was set to eighty degrees.