Someone at work said oh my god you're jacked so i have to kms. walk to williamsburg and bike home which is new for me. i don't know how to drive so i'm scared the whole time because a bike is a car that they let kids drive. and i do not know how to drive. woke up feeling like everything is gone so i have to invent errands which is spend 60 dollars on makeup and accidentally buy duplicates of all the ingredients emma already bought for our dinner tomorrow.  had the worst nightmare...so bad i won't even write it in my journal. i'm having visions of possible disasters in the future that probably won't happen. but i can convince myself they are so real just like that. It is because of her? i can't go to the party because I will not risk getting photographed in a t-shirt with no eyeliner on. i can't run right now so that's why i feel "despair" or that's what i'll keep telling myself. Justin says I will be like this for eight months but he also says that I have 6 years left of being beautiful. I don't think i'm beautiful i think people probably see "cute." and I watched Lolita with emma really good film to watch on the tv. maybe it was perfect. i finished making the cctv book finally drilling the holes in the acylic and stringing them on the big metal rings. I don't feel anything. I've been working on this project for two years so now i don't know what the point is. we took the big new car to brians house to get the ac and i felt like a baby because i was so scared in there. squatter heroin addict style with roaches running around ceiling falling down. scared too because it is a cookie cutter of someone else's house. Buddha needs his hummer. Buddha is boyfriend (just some theories we've been working on). I need someone to tie my leash to the pole outside. Like please don't let me loose i'll bite a kid or run away because i can't help that i want what i want. i'm trying to train myself to be better and do better and feel better but it's not working yet so i still need to be tied up to the pole outside. Double knot please.