Merguez on a red plate. Sara sara painting barefoot. i'm in the bathroom. in my new life i do not look at my phone or my reflection. I am not allowed to use my phone at work and there is no mirror in the bathroom. So if i want both i have to go to the bathroom and look at myself in my phone. It is nice for my world to be what my hands are doing on the table. not what I am made of in my head and on my phone. I have this idea or maybe it is a concern or an insecurity or a comfort that my face is unrecognizable. That if someone I know sees my face they will not know it is me. there is always a sense of disbelief when someone says my name or remembers me. i don't know where this comes from. i don't believe you if you look at me and remember me. reading sheila heti on the train and i have to close it and put it in my purse so i don't cry. i get a text right as this happens. the man catty corner from me on facetime with his girl screaming at her (he is not being reasonable, he is upset that she watched a movie that he told her about without him). Me and the man across from me exchange sheesh looks. it's a good thing i closed the book. I never thought i would look like this. 21,000 steps. it is good to separate myself from the world during this time so that i am not hurt by others and so i do not hurt others. when blood strikes we can rendezvous.