I’m watching big lebowski on my TV in the living room. Revlon Posh is a very important character. muscle tee at work. for the last two moons the things i’ve tried to wish away are my arm muscle. trying to cut down on protein. i always just be myself and i always end up teachers pet, because many women see themselves in me because i am easy to project onto (nearly blank canvas). which maybe makes me capital L loser. today production begins on the new tv show. today i’m going to the doctor. I will ask her about the nerve damage in my toes and the psych meds and say please may i have bloodwork so i can see inside of myself? see inside of myself with numbers? i dont ask justin to show me anymore i can’t ask so i dont see. a bug stands on the edge of the table and looks at me for a long time if emma was in the room i would kill it. but it was just me so we looked at each other for a long time. a pretty big bug. i opened the container of basil and im teary eyed because it smelled like backyard and im eating dinner with just my mom like i did every night. im with just my mom in the backyard and im throwing strawberry tops into the grass.