emma has arrived :) it feels like college and we are doing an amazing job building a very stylish home. ebbs and flows between fun and fighting i'm gonna jump and take you with me. went to frost children afterparty thing with liv and found devon and joaquim was there. i chewed gum and wore lipstick and then cried. and last night dinner with izzy and lily and emma and 2 others and then home and i made us drinks "just like freshman year" says emma. rum and lacroix and maraschino cherry. emma doesn't like maraschino cherry but it's my favorite food so i ate them from both cups. at honore izzy comes julia comes devon comes. all go home julia to manhattan me and emma ridgewood then devon comes back pants falling down rice and sour gummy. 4 am goodnight. 12pm good morning the sun shines for the first time in days. everyone was complaining about the gloomy weather but i didn't notice or care at all really. the sunshine and spring and summer are always so freaky and not fun because everyone gets happy and i don't feel any different. it's like how i don't like going on vacation because i am always sad so it's a waste of money to go on a trip just to be sad. wake up he reads aloud the passages from eva hesse diaries that i have post-it noted and starred. yikes it's a really sad reflection of what i was feeling in december 2020 when my mom got me the book for christmas. i thought my life would never change i think that girl would be happy to see that i look different and feel different and think different and act different and am constrained by different things now compared to then when i put those post-its on those pages. taco bell and then ice cream cone and then his studio then my studio then grocery store then finish constructing my bed. the old bed feels so sacred and so sad it's like youre dead and this is all i have left. modified by adam winner january 25, 2024 what does it mean? are you still localizing leslie hewitts in the basement from the grave? i think i feel okay despite being derailed. I washed my sheets. I am hoping i will hear something tomorrow...either yes or no it's okay if it's no but just tell me. 

Sat. Nov. 21. 1964

I am making Tom a scarf. Needless to say we bought the most wild wool we could find. Of this they had only 5 skeins. I keep unraveling so I can hopefully get required length. The width keeps diminishing till not it can get skinnier. 

I really feel I keep blocking my growth. Why? What does being adult entail. Responsibilities, maturity, decisions, and a sense of being oneself. One most takes pride in what one is and achieves. I still doubt myself in both, my self and my work. In competing with Tom I must be unconsciously be competing with my alter ego. In his achievements I see my failures. Thusly when I watch him reading I witness my own inner fears of stupidity. Resentments enter most precisely if I need be cooking, washing, or doing dishes while he sits King of the Roost reading. And where I feel incapable as I do in taking care of "business things" (i.e. bills, letters, etc.) my resentment and anger is heightened to the degree of my fears and frustrations. Otherwise things are fine. After all this takes place, I feel extreme guilt.