today's feeling was the family dog was hit by a car and we can't afford to fix him so we put him down. the wrong way escalator panic feeling. i ask and you can say yes and i can't believe you hug me so hard for so long. because 20 years and 20 days older than me and a few months ago you were worried i was uncomfortable that you appeared in my dream and asked if it was okay. i didn't tell you about the one where we had sex obviously. just the one where you painted my bathroom. crushing squeezing hug my arms around your neck style. i'll miss you, you are my favorite. he says. and i can hear the crying behind it. he just nods and slips my psychotic note into his shirt pocket i know he knows and he knows i know. i'll love you forever. i know you punched those walls because you knew i was watching.