saturday emma brian and mary visit me at the gallery even though brian and mary broke up. after work i go home and finish my perfect clown and wait for everyone to come home for the moon ceremony but they never come. emma and kush and their 20 year old roommate and brian show up. emma said brian wants to go to this party text this number. devonsays do you wanna go see my brother and i say no but it's the same thing as brian's. julia comes home 10:30 and we do the fastest moon of our life and we meet her boyfriend. the candle blew out when i tried to light my slip struck by lighting please let the front desk be warm this year. not a good sign. julia's boyfriend he is quiet and posh and julia doesn't go out with us. i hate to say that he reminds me of gideon. i am the perfect clown and we uber to eleanore and leah yassky's halloween party and i have the worst time. we see jane wickline and i hate talking to her so much. we uber to baby's all right and they say if you aren't on the guest list you aren't getting in so we squeeze behind the little fence and run in past the girl with clipboard. i am so often the girl with the clipboard so i know. girl grabs me says hi clown wanna do some K? i say no thanks. we find devon and brian gets us drinks and i get too drunk. and then we can't find brian and we 3 leave on the train and we are running from the back of the train to the front of the train. emma says nico said that he hopes i know he won't tell cameron anything about my life. emma says nico said he didn't talk to cameron about me and he didn't talk to me about cameron and that we are separate. but then how come i am so scared. i just get more upset the more time passes but not in a i'm sad way but in a i'm so angry because you were so mean to me. i always used to say you treat my like a piece of furniture and he would say that's not true but i think i was a cabinet or a foot stool. i tipped the scales so i lose he wins. nico was confused about what the situation was when he was here he told emma which i knew because i created the most confusing situation and said nothing like it was normal. emma says emma says emma says. i muted elmo on instagram. went to bed at 4:30 woke up at 11 made bluebbery nutmeg oatmeal and coffee for me and emma. i went to the ceramic studio and then walked home in the rain and got chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. and got eggs and scallions at the store lentil soup for dinner. was going to go out with justin but i'm too fucking wiped. i had so much fun last night and had so much fun today. i woke up with barely circles on my cheeks and a heart on my lips. a text that says sorry but i wasn't hurt. now i'll read fuccboi until i'm no more me.