everytime i leave home for a while it always makes me say to myself that i need to be doing or maybe just thinking things differently. it used to happen when i would go to my grandma's house in texas for christmas. i would be there and think when i go home i have to think differently. it always happens but it never really sticks. just the way people live their lives make me think i should make mine less stringent less regimented. but it's really hard for me and it's really hard to hold on to the feeling of wanting things to feel different once i am back in my bedroom and it's time to go to work and come home from work and sit very still in one spot for hours and hours and hours. you can't actually make your life feel different when you look at the same extra butter russ and daughter lucky jacks again and again and again and your phone doesn't count as seeing something new. i guess i'll try out doing things that scare me so bad like going into stores and entering the four block radius of houses that people i don't want to run into live in, and spending money. i don't really care